The Paradox of Growing in Two Directions; older and younger.

Since starting university I've had this strange sense of growing older and wiser with experience, yet simultaneously feeling younger than ever.

I suppose it comes with exiting a comfort zone, and entering a new realm of life where you're a newborn deer thrown in the headlights. A lot of adulthood feels like that, just one learning point after another, the further we get into it the more realise we know nothing at all.

For most of my younger life I have always been told I was very mature for my age and wise beyond my years. I remember at 15 I felt 'grown' and at 18 I felt older than I do now. While I was intellectually capable, I simply didn't have the life experiences that my early twenties have brought me. Those few years before official adulthood were a push and pull between feeling adult enough, while also feeling constrained by my age.

Then all of a sudden I become an adult in the eyes of the law. With legality came expectations of having it all together, and what life should look at by certain numbered checkpoints. I started to think, how the hell am I going to figure out everything, how do people even manage to buy a house, set up solid foundations for this life, create a legacy to pass on to our children and leave the world a better place while creating memories and enjoying this life. Does anyone really have a clue what they're all doing? Or are we all wandering aimlessly hoping for the best.

In my 5 years of 'adulthood' each year has been rich with experience, while also prying away at the layers I know to be true, and leaving me with a new set of questions for each step of the way forward.

In pursuit of my goals, I have battled with my own shortcomings and learnt the painful, and often circular journey of finally taking accountability for myself, doing things thoroughly and not taking short-cuts; they're an illusion. Self doubt had a tight grip on me for a few years, but I am glad it is no longer holding me captive.

The relationships I've been blessed with, from friendships to intimate ones have been both beautiful and challenging; mirroring my beauty and the parts of myself I was trying to avoid. There are also the ones I have left, or the ones who have left me; grieving the first few people I loved pass away.

My personal journey has been one of a constant losing and coming back to myself. Recognising new parts of myself, of how I perceive my forever changing identity. Self conceptualising can bring both confusion and empowerment, and many things in between.

And through all of this, I have grown deeper into my sense of knowing, taller with age and yet forever a child of life. A fluid dance between wisdom and the eyes of a newborn, hand in hand, 'walking each other home'*.

*Ram Dass quote*